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Ginsberg's Theorem:
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.
Author unidentified

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Stephen Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" . . . What's my mother going to do?
Stephen Wright

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.
The Simpsons

Boy, life takes a long time to live.
Stephen Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Stephen Wright

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

The other day I . . . uh, no, that wasn't me.
Stephen Wright

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Stephen Wright

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Stephen Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Stephen Wright

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Author unidentified

It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly.
Lord Birkett

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Author unidentified

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.
Joseph Heller

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Author unidentified

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Author unidentified

Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Author unidentified

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
Author unidentified

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle -- his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
The Simpsons

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Author unidentified

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
The Simpsons

Homer: Trying is just the first step toward failure.
The Simpsons

Grandpa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
The Simpsons

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Stephen Wright

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles M. Schulz

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

After handing him a report card filled with F's, the boy asked his father, "Do you think the problem is my heredity or my upbringing?"
Author unidentified

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.
Steven Wright

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Author unidentified

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keillor

I ask for so little. And boy do I get it.
Dilbert (Scott Adams)

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes

Marge: Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
The Simpsons

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did . . .
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.
The Simpsons

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to [himself], "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
George Carlin

Lenny: Date night, it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl: I never should have given you that Egyptology book.
The Simpsons

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Author unidentified

Homer: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
The Simpsons

Homer: Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
The Simpsons

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
The Simpsons

Homer: I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey [the daycare director]. If I were you, there'd be a lot of strangled babies.
The Simpsons

Mindy: Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Homer: Well, maybe I want to [have sex]. Then I think about Marge and the kids . . . well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to [makes strangling motion] . . .
The Simpsons

Homer: That's a problem for future Homer. Man, I don't envy that guy.
The Simpsons

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dave Barry

Stress is caused by suppressing the urge to beat the crap out of someone who desperately needs it.
Author unidentified

Homer: Girls are easy. Girls love daddy. Girls make birthday cards with glitter on them. Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games. Girls don't steal my knives. And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work 'cause I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.
The Simpsons

Bart: You don't look like a mom. You look happy.
The Simpsons

Bode: What's up. I'm Bode. Do you surf?
Milhouse: No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids. So I just stayed in the hotel room.
Bode: That's cool.
Milhouse: No, it's not cool.
The Simpsons

He's a 17-year-old boy . . . He doesn't have any innermost thoughts, and if he did, you wouldn't want to know what they [were] and neither would I.
Andrew Ferguson

Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.
The Simpsons

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